Jun 5, 2018

Shanghai Surprise - Follow-up

A few weeks ago I wrote about my time in Shanghai. There's a lot of things on this site that are fictional -- I try to mark those as "fantasy" -- but there are some very real things too. I've written about my past with some brutal honesty -- or as honest as I can handle.

Elena is based very much on a real person and that story was nearly 100% true.

As I write this, my heart is breaking. It's been a little over six months since I've seen Elena and she told me yesterday that she's started seeing other people.

The thing is, I shouldn't be angry or upset about this. I didn't want her wasting her life in Shanghai waiting for me to come back as I'm still not sure that I will. I've applied to over 500 jobs (not exaggerating) since I left without any luck. I've also been trying my best to finagle another trip back via my current employer.

I made an agreement with Elena that I would come back to the U.S., work on my marriage, and try to salvage my relationship here. And, I've been trying. I've been going to couple's counseling since January though not much has changed. Elena was my planned escape route. I told her and I told myself that I'd give my relationship with my wife six months and if things hadn't improved that I'd file for divorce.

Elena didn't wait the full six months. I could tell a few weeks ago that things had changed between us. Then yesterday she told me that she'd been dating for the last month. So now I feel betrayed and hurt, though I really shouldn't. What's worse is that I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I made a promise to Elena that I wouldn't tell my therapist about her. I only ever told one friend about her and I don't feel right dumping all over them.

So now I'm alone with my feelings for the most part. As I drove home last night, listening to my "teach yourself Chinese" CD, I started crying and couldn't stop.

Now I have no reason to go back to China. All of the plans and hopes that I had have been dashed.

I feel awful.

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