Signals

There's just something not fair about it. There are times where I feel like I'm just completely out of sorts, like I don't know myself.

I come home. I see my wife and I see how great she looks. I get that stirring in my stomach that I've been feeling lately. I want her. You'd think it'd be a fairly easy thing to get across, right?

Maybe I could just say it aloud. But, no, I won't. I'm too used to hearing "no" or "I'm tired".

Instead, I get down on my knees in front of her. I lean in to give her a kiss hello and, rather than getting up, I stay there with my hand on her knees. I rub gently as we talk. I ask about her day. I reach up and stroke her hair. I'm tell her how nice she looks.

And nothing happens. Eventually, my leg starts to cramp. I stand up and go change clothes. I feel tears behind my eyes. I ask myself, "Why can't I just say what I want? Why doesn't she know what I want?"

Am I just no good at sending signals? Or are the signals received and just ignored?