Nov 16, 2010

What a Boy Wants...

Two beautiful women. Twenty five feet of rope. Leather cuffs. A leather whip. All the ingredients for a wonderful night, right?

Not if you're me.

I was the object of a run-through for a sexology class. One of the women, Fraulein, would be teaching a group of college kids about BDSM with the aid of a friendly dominatrix, The Lady Dahlia Black. Fraulein lectured to an invisible audience while Lady Dahlia and I answered questions.

Why do I feel the need to be abused and humiliated? What pleasure do I get out of being spanked? Why does being tied up become a turn on?

I had no problems answering these questions. I got into a very cerebral place, pontificating about BDSM (one of my favorite things to do).

But then things changed...

The classroom faded away and the atmosphere shifted. Suddenly the questions became more pointed and I found myself completely tongue-tied.

Class was over but the rope, the whip, the cuffs, and the two beautiful women remained. What now? What did I want to do? Lady Dahlia demanded that I craft a scene to be played out. I stammered. I stuttered. I got flustered.

I outlined me tied up on the bed, spread eagle, and defenseless against the whip. But that's where I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say what I really wanted. And, do you know why? Because I didn't want to offend anyone.

Yes, there I was, my cock turning purple from the CBT Lady Dahlia had been demonstrating, but I was afraid of being rude. I wasn't sure where the limits were and I didn't want to start spinning a tale only to find that the reality would be far less than the fantasy. I hate to be disappointed.

What did I picture in my head? I imagined Lady Dahlia whipping my cock while Fraulein sat on my face in a pair of white panties, my mouth so close but so far away from her sex. I'd be squirming under her and she'd be pinning me down, telling me not to be a baby, like a mean older sister. Lady Dahlia would stop on occasion, blowing on (and I mean blowing ON, not performing oral sex) my poor tortured member, touching, teasing me. And, later, one hand would be freed and they'd lie on either side of me, mocking me, coddling me, maybe allowing me a breast to suckle while I masturbated, ensconced between two beauties.

But did I say that? No. Did I hint at it? No. Did I want them to take charge of the situation? Yes. I didn't feel that it was my role to dictate things, even if I was being asked for my input. I just couldn't bring myself to say these things. I wanted to go over the top, I wanted to eat them both out. I wanted one to leave so I could make love to the other. I wanted all these things. But the one thing I didn't want was to be told, "No."

I'm petrified of "No." I suppose it comes from my "training" I got with my ex-wife. The constant let-downs, turn-downs, and frustration. It took the will out of me. It played into my terrible desire to please, to keep the boat on an even keel. I go to great lengths to avoid any kind of rejection -- living that life of quiet desperation we've all heard about. At least, that's how I am in the bedroom.

And how did the evening end up?

I was tied down and whipped until I finally said my safe word. Lady Dahlia prompted me about a half dozen more times to confess what I really wanted but I stayed mum on the subject. I could tell she was disappointed in me. I was disappointed in me, too.

Later, in the darkness, I gave myself permission to fantasize about Fraulein and Lady Dahlia as I masturbated with a hollow feeling in my gut, wondering why I couldn't put my desires into words.


Unknown said...

Just Terrible Louis! These beautiful ladies were trying to see what was going on in your perverted mind and you refuse to tell them? Think of what could have happened. Now I highly doubt you'd be able to make love to them, perhaps eat them out but you have to earn that right and you didn't...thus, you got what you asked for...nothing.

Domme Alice Skary said...

*hugs* that sounds ridiculously painful. maybe you could be brave enough to share this weblog entry with them???

Liras said...

It can be hard to ask for what we want. But in your own silent way, did you ask for what you really wanted?
To be teased and left hollow, panicked, in the dark.