Nov 8, 2006


I didn't have sex until I was 20. I lost my virginity in December, 1992, in my parents' basement with the woman I would marry four years later and divorce less than two years after that.

After we first had sex I took every opportunity to have this happen again. Things went really well... for about two months. After that... the shower of sex turned into a light drizzle before it dried up and became a draught.

I blame some of that on my girlfriend (at the time) / ex-wife being insane. A lot of it seemed to come directly from her best friend being dumped by her fiance. That seemed to push my girlfriend/ex-wife off the deep end. Shortly after that we took at trip to Toronto and the weather wasn't the chilliest thing in Canada that week -- it was her response to any advances. From there on, things got worse and worse.

Why did I stay with and eventually marry this nutball? Good question. That's what I've been trying to answer with my therapist(s) for the last eight years. I felt an obligation and a horrible sense that I didn't want to upset her -- and bringing up the strange sexual absense in our relationship upset her mucho.

I wasn't a saint about this. I sought sexual release outside of our relationship even before we were married. This was when I met the woman that would become my first Domme and, after she moved away, I met the woman that would become my first sub. I didn't have sex with anyone but my wife until the early part of 1998. That changed a lot of things.

I had already taken back a lot of the control in my life that I had given up. I started getting my weight back in order, got my career on a better path, and that helped me realize how lousy things had been. When I finally found some kind of sexually gratifying relationship it dawned on me that -- wow -- not only did I want to be happy but I deserved to be happy too! A revelation to someone so miserable, I assure you.

These are the scars that still mark me today.

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