Feb 25, 2007

Tie Up Your Dog

When I was a kid I wasn't exposed to a whole lot of pornography. My neighbors down the street had a dad with a massive Playboy collection that I was allowed sneak-peeks of on the rare occasion. Otherwise, I lived in a relatively clean environment... or so I thought. My first real exposure had to be the Vanessa Williams Penthouse of my step-dad's. More than the pictures of the squeaky clean Miss America going down on another woman, I was fascinated by the Penthouse Forum letters. That was my first exposure to the idea of a man being opened up and taken anally by a woman. The letter I remember best had a guy whose girlfriend loved anal sex. She talked him into allowing her to open him up -- building off a large collection of dildos that ranged from small to massive. That really opened my eyes to diversity a bit.

Years later I was rifling through that same underwear drawer and came across another treasure trove. Super 8mm films! Being the A/V Geek that I am, I immediately broke out the projector and threaded up one of the two Swedish Erotica films. They were silent (of course) short films that consisted of a "set up" and a sex scene. One was a two girls/one guy and the other was two guys/one girl and both starred the large and in charge John Holmes!

I had to share. This was high school and I invited a few of my closest friends over to partake of the booty. More than the sex--which we found both compelling and disturbing--we found great joy in the set ups. There was little dialog in either film and, what there was, was subtitled. The two guys/one girl piece quickly found a better name from its one line. As one of the guys sucked and bit on the girl's nipples he was said to say, "Damn, what rosebuds!"

The other film had a stronger opening scene as two women walked out onto their balcony to see Mr. Holmes walking his faithful canine companion. The girls wave to him and instruct him, "Tie up your dog!" It doesn't take much more convincing for Holmes to tie his pooch's leash to their railing and to fuck the living hell out of them in the subsequent scene.

One day both "Damn What Rosebuds" and "Tie Up Your Dog" disappeared from the underwear drawer. It was a sad day, indeed, but we had a lot of fun working those phrases into everyday conversation. And imagine the hoot I got when I finally saw CITIZEN KANE!

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